Jokes--Jokes--Jokes!

[Chancellor]

In the year 2008 The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:

 

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all things before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

 

He gave Noah the drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

 

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

 

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

 

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

 

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

 

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

 

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

 

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

 

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled West-Indian carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

 

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

 

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

 

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

 

'No need,' said the Lord. 'The British government are doing it for me.'

 

[vesperala]

I suppose this works for every government...

[Chancellor]

I suppose this works for every government...

I guess so, but I think they really do go to extremes here!!!

 

Edited August 3, 2008 by Chancellor

[Chancellor]

Heather recently sent the following e-mail to her Technical Support Section:

 

"Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

 

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?"

 

Her Helpdesk replied as follows:

 

"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

 

Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 which is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

 

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9."

 

[vesperala]

*Break Into the House*

 

 

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

 

 

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

 

 

"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?

A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician is asked by a friend who is a devout Christian: "Do you believe in one God?"

He answers: "Yes - up to isomorphism."

 

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

 

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

 

"I know all that."

 

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

 

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[vesperala]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

[vesperala]

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

 

***

 

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[vesperala]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

 

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[vesperala]

We use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because mathematicians tend to make errors.

 

 

*****

 

A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."

 

[vesperala]

15 Signs that you are online too much...

 

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

 

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

 

3. You find yourself trying to turn your head 90 degrees when you smile.

 

4. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

 

5. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.

 

6. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.

 

7. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

 

8. You stop speaking in full sentences.

 

9. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

 

10. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

 

11. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

 

12. You dream in "text".

 

13. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

 

14. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

 

15. When someone asks, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"

[vesperala]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

 

***

 

 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

[Chancellor]

A Lawyer's Christmas Greeting...

 

Dear Christmas Wish Recipient,

 

From us ("the wishors") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee")

 

Please accept without obligation, either implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; together with . . .

 

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, emotionally edifying and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2009; but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, colour, religious, dietary or sexual preference of the wishes.

 

Sincerely,

 

Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that this greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal entirely at the wishor's discretion. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee or others merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they do in fact occur.

 

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

 

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

 

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

 

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.

 

Please be aware that any references within this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, alive, deceased or resurrected, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and trademarked images are hereby acknowledged.

 

The wisher accepts no responsibility for any unintended emotional distress these greetings may bring to anyone not caught up in the holiday spirit.

 

[vesperala]

 

 

 

Two ladies talking in heaven:

 

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

 

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[vesperala]

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

 

Dear Bo$$

 

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

 

Your$ $incerely,

Norman John

 

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

 

Dear NOrman,

 

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

 

Yours truly,

Manager

[vesperala]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

 

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

 

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

 

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

[vesperala]

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar.

The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint...

"I understand", says the bartender - and pours two pints.

 

[vesperala]

Copernicus' parents: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"

 

***

 

In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"

My reply is: "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"

 

***

 

 

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

[Chancellor]

In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"

My reply is: "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"

That's great

 

[vesperala]

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

 

 

You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead.

 

 

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

[Chancellor]

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

[feueR-B-Frei]

A burglar broke into a house and started filling his bag with stuff he found around the place. Suddenly, he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you!"

Scared to death, he takes a look around, but sees no one. He takes a deep breath, telling himself it was just paranoia, and he picks some more goods. Then, the voice says again: "Jesus is watching you!"

The man, nearly parralysed by fear, whispers: "Who...who are you..?", and the voice replies: "I'm Moses, the parrot!"...indeed, the guy looks up and sees inside a cage a big parrot looking at him. Then he wets himself laughing: "What moron could possibly name his parrot Moses? HA HA HA!!!"

The reply comes right away: "The same moron who named his rottweiler Jesus!"

 

 

[vesperala]

I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 36 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good looking 18 year old. Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year old woman. "It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

 

 

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18 year old beautiful girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, with no car, no money, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

 

[vesperala]

How many Bill Gates’ does it take to change the light bulb?

 

None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard!

[pinturicchio]

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A. Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.

[vesperala]

An archaeologist one day visited a museum in a big city. He finally stopped at the front of a complete fossil of Tyrannosaurus.

 

After admiring for about 5 minutes, a security guard walked to him and said,

 

“Can you believe this? This giant was alive in 65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 21 days ago?”

 

With astonishment, the archaeologist asked him, “Oh My God, How could you tell the age of this T-rex in so detailed?”

 

“That’s simple!” the security smiled, “they told me this creature was 65 million years-old, when I came to work on the first day.”

 

“Today is my 3 years, 5 month and 21 days on duty!”

 

One day a man went to an auction. There he saw an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

 

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

 

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"