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Chancellor
post Apr 25 2008, 10:17 AM
Post #21


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While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

emo-smiley_wedding.gif


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vesperala
post Apr 25 2008, 03:18 PM
Post #22


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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"


She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.'"


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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Chancellor
post May 4 2008, 01:18 AM
Post #23


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Time to Start Worrying!!!

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line (or an ADSL/cable modem) so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. smile.gif

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.


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vesperala
post May 23 2008, 06:11 PM
Post #24


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When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

Bob Edwards


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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Chancellor
post Jun 18 2008, 07:57 PM
Post #25


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Several suggestions for your 'Out-Of-Office' e-mail reply...

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18/4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

I've run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Georgina' instead of 'George'.

don-t_mention.gif


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Chancellor
post Aug 3 2008, 04:25 PM
Post #26


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In the year 2008 The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all things before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled West-Indian carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No need,' said the Lord. 'The British government are doing it for me.'

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vesperala
post Aug 3 2008, 04:36 PM
Post #27


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emo-lol.gif I suppose this works for every government...haha.gif


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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Chancellor
post Aug 3 2008, 04:58 PM
Post #28


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QUOTE (vesperala @ Aug 3 2008, 03:36 PM) *
emo-lol.gif I suppose this works for every government...haha.gif

I guess so, but I think they really do go to extremes here!!!

emo-lol.gif

Edited by Chancellor: Aug 3 2008, 05:02 PM


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Chancellor
post Aug 17 2008, 09:56 AM
Post #29


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Heather recently sent the following e-mail to her Technical Support Section:

"Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?"


Her Helpdesk replied as follows:

"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 which is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

"In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9."


emo-rade.gif


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vesperala
post Aug 26 2008, 03:39 PM
Post #30


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*Break Into the House*


A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.


"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.


"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mathematician is asked by a friend who is a devout Christian: "Do you believe in one God?"
He answers: "Yes - up to isomorphism."

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Oct 17 2008, 11:07 AM
Post #31


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A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Oct 17 2008, 04:31 PM
Post #32


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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

***


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Nov 7 2008, 09:28 AM
Post #33


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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Nov 12 2008, 05:34 PM
Post #34


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We use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because mathematicians tend to make errors.


*****

A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."

emo-lol.gif


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Nov 22 2008, 11:15 AM
Post #35


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15 Signs that you are online too much...


1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

3. You find yourself trying to turn your head 90 degrees when you smile.

4. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

5. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.

6. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.

7. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

8. You stop speaking in full sentences.

9. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

10. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

11. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

12. You dream in "text".

13. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

14. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

15. When someone asks, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Nov 28 2008, 12:38 PM
Post #36


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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

***


A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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Chancellor
post Dec 24 2008, 11:55 PM
Post #37


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A Lawyer's Christmas Greeting...

Dear Christmas Wish Recipient,

From us ("the wishors") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee")

Please accept without obligation, either implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; together with . . .

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, emotionally edifying and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2009; but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, colour, religious, dietary or sexual preference of the wishes.

Sincerely,

Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that this greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal entirely at the wishor's discretion. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee or others merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they do in fact occur.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.

Please be aware that any references within this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, alive, deceased or resurrected, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and trademarked images are hereby acknowledged.

The wisher accepts no responsibility for any unintended emotional distress these greetings may bring to anyone not caught up in the holiday spirit.

emo-rade.gif


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vesperala
post Jan 1 2009, 04:49 PM
Post #38


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ohmy.gif



Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Jan 28 2009, 07:17 PM
Post #39


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One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Norman John

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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vesperala
post Feb 1 2009, 10:21 AM
Post #40


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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."


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O raclă mare-i lumea. Stelele-s cuie/Bătute-n ea şi soarele-i fereasta/La temniţa vieţii
Mihai Eminescu

Stelele-n cer, deasupra mărilor, ard depărtărilor, până ce pier...

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