Jokes--Jokes--Jokes!

[amadino]

Two plus two is five

"First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be." -- Jacques Futrelle, "The Problem of Cell 13"

 

Most mathematicians are familiar with -- or have at least seen references in the literature to -- the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here.

 

Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.

 

Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof's nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two. Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who objected to the Brotherhood's method of celebrating the discovery of theorems. Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid's "Elements," and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.

 

Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively stated, "2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4." Even this cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname "Blockhead." By the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.

 

Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the French mathematicians. Descartes announced, "I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it does." However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so that the book could be printed with wider margins.

 

Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it in an old manuscript, wryly commented, "Well, now I know where all the departed quantities went to -- the right-hand side of this equation." That witticism so impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.

 

But in the early to middle 1800's, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance. Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean 2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on this topic, Kempe's proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with an article entitled "Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?"

 

Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version of his "Begriffsschrift." This condensation, entitled "Die Kleine Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift)," contained what he considered to be a definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand Russell, reminding him that in "Grundbeefen der Mathematik" Frege had proved that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned mathematics altogether and went into university administration.

 

Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of 2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another revival of this historic equation.

 

The above was written by Houston Euler.

[Chancellor]

The Vampire Bat...

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

 

"Okay, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

 

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

 

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

[Chancellor]

The speaking clock...

 

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

 

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

 

"Why, that's my speaking clock" the man replied.

 

"How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

 

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For crying out loud, you idiot, it's twenty to two in the morning!!"

[Chancellor]

Brilliant detectives

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?"

 

Watson pondered for a minute.

 

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes was silent for a minute and then spoke.

 

"Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

 

[Chancellor]

Three Envelopes...

 

There was a man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation who met the outgoing CEO.

 

As he departed for his payoff, the departing boss gave him three numbered envelopes.

 

"Open these if you run up against a problem you can't solve," he said.

 

Six months later, when sales took a downturn the new CEO remembered the envelopes, went to his drawer and took out the first of them.

 

The paper inside simply said, "Blame your predecessor."

 

The new boss called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.

 

Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

 

About a year later the company was in trouble again.

 

Having learned from his previous experience, the new boss quickly opened the second envelope.

 

The message read, "Reorganize."

 

He did, and the company quickly rebounded.

 

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

 

The CEO headed straight for the third envelope.

 

The message said

 

"Prepare three envelopes."

 

[Chancellor]

And you thought you had bad luck...

 

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

 

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had left my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."

 

[vesperala]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

 

******

 

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

********

It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record.

 

*******

 

"A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there."

 

Charles Darwin

 

********

 

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?

A: "I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

 

********

I've heard that the government wants to put a tax on the mathematically ignorant. Funny, I thought that's what the lottery was!

 

Gallagher

 

********

 

"Mathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way".

 

Polya, George

*********

Five reasons computers must be female...

 

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal workings.

2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

 

 

Three reasons computers must be male...

 

 

1. You have to 'turn them on' to get their attention.

2. Although they are supposed to solve problems, half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if only you had waited you could have had a better model.

******

It was said that those 322 famous members of the Romanian parliament were , one day ago captured by an obscure guy how wished as a reward in change for their liberty, 1 American dollar. He was menacing that he'll burn them out. A few hours later, on a street in Bucharest, a woman begged all drivers on a semaphore saying she is begging for the parliament. One of the drivers asked her: How much the others gave her if she still had not that stupid dollar???

the answer was, of course: each gave what he could, already:1 or 2 liters of gasoline...

 

*******

 

 

n a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

*********

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

 

*********

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 

*********

 

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

*********

 

Maybe it is something strange, but the following text is not a silly joke, but indeed a list of rules for another forum...please tell me isn't better than ours:

 

New Forum Rules.

Ť Thread Started on May 27, 2005, 6:11pm ť

Okay, I think it's time we laid down some rules regarding this forum.

 

1) The admins reserve the right to boot/ban your stupid ass from the forum at any time. That means, be nice to us or we'll flex our uber l337 admin skills at you. So keep yourselves in line.

 

2) New rule beginning today. Unless you're a friend of either admin or global mod, you cannot become a global mod. When you've reached the 100 post mark, you may request to become a regular mod, but unless you seriously make your presence felt and buddy up real close to the admins, you won't be seeing that kind of power any time soon.

 

3) Don't ask for us to give you admin privileges. We are not looking for admins at the moment.

 

That's all for the time being - there may be more if problems arise.

 

 

So, it seems that no problem arise. They did not change it.

*******

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Kindergarden teacher: "To get to the other side."

 

Plato: "For the greater good."

 

Aristotle: "It is the nature of chickens to cross roads."

 

Martin Luther King: "I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question."

 

Isaac Newton: "Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads."

 

Albert Einstein: "Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference."

 

Captain James T. Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken has gone before."

 

Werner Heisenberg: "We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast."

 

Wolfgang Pauli: "There already was a chicken on this side of the road."

 

*******

 

A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, "You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now you take the larger one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more." "Nonsense," replied Fred. "You cook better now!"

#####################################

 

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.

Gates pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, "I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish."

Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. "This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East."

The Genie replies, "I don't know ... I can do a lot, but this? Don't you have another wish?"

Bill Gates thinks and finally says, "Ok. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us."

 

The Genie says, "Let me see that map again."

#########################################

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

A man is in a hot air balloon, and he realizes that he's got himself a little lost. He sees a man on the ground and calls out: "Hello there! Can you tell me where I am?"

 

The man on the ground looks around a bit and replies: "You're in a hot air balloon, about 50ft in the air, and about 200ft northwest of my position."

 

The man in the balloon says: "You must be an engineer."

 

"Why yes I am. How did you know?" replies the engineer.

 

The man in the balloon answers: "Everything you've told me is technically correct, but it doesn't help me at all."

 

"You must be in management." says the engineer.

 

"How did you know?" says the manager.

 

"You came to me with a problem, and I gave you an answer, but now it's my fault!"

********

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.

FEUDALISM

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of fours cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPENESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

AN IRISH FARMER

You have two cows. The Government subsidies for 8 cows.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

A ROMANIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You file a claim, telling that your grandpa had 200 cows, but the communists took them. EU pays you 198 cows, plus the interest for 70 years, plus the money for the milk the 198 cows would have given in 70 years, plus money for a new barn for the 2 cows.

*******

 

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' "

-Ronald Reagan

[vesperala]

Dunkin' Evangelism

 

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water' and subsequently bumps into the Preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk' 'Are you ready to find Jesus ?'

 

The drunk answers, 'Yes I am.'

 

So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

 

The drunk replies, 'No. I haven't found Jesus.'

 

The Preacher, shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again, this time for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

 

The drunk again answers, 'No. I haven't found Jesus.'

 

By this time, the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again! But this time, he holds him down for 60 seconds!

 

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the Preacher pulls him up and AGAIN asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, man'HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?!?

 

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the Preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in??!?!

 

 

*****************

 

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many people in the congregation had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying..."

 

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher'

'Do you believe in eternal life?'

 

The preacher has no time to reply.

 

'Well its a load of rubbish!' shouted the Atheist. 'I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgment, and no God' The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. 'Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! 'Its all pie in the sky when you die.' When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, 'I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!'

 

'Well thank God for that,' replies the preacher!

 

 

 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

 

***

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

 

HAROLD: A teacher

 

***

 

These 9 Police comments were taken of actual police car videos from around the country:

 

#1 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

 

#2 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

 

#3 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

 

#4 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 

#5 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

 

#6 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

 

#7 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

 

#8 "Warning! You want a warning? O.ca., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 

#9 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

 

******

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

 

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home'

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

Moral: Never put a woman to the test

 

 

*****

 

 

[vesperala]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

 

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

 

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

 

1 to move it to the Lighting section

 

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

 

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

 

5 to flame the spell checkers

 

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

 

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

 

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

 

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

 

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

 

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

 

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

 

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

 

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

 

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

 

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

 

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

 

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

 

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

 

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

 

 

 

well, we need more members if we wish to change that light bulb... smile.gif

[vesperala]

Not so funny...but more realistic...

 

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

 

****

It was the morning after, and he sat groaning and holding his head.

"Well, if you hadn`t drunk so much last night you wouldn`t feel so bad now," the wife said tartly.

 

"My drinking had nothing to do with it," he answered. "I went to bed feeling wonderful and woke up feeling awful. It was the sleep that did it!"

 

****

 

Cheer Up!

 

* The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

* They say the house didn't float very far at all.

* We're all amazed that you go on living each day.

* Well, at least the operation was a partial success.

* The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.

* With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.

* At least the passenger side air bag inflated.

* The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

* At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.

* Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.

* MicroSoft Tech Support said those errors just aren't possible.

 

******

 

The President of Cuba has announced that Cuba will not participate in the next Summer Olympics. He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

 

******

 

Women's Friends:

 

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

 

Men's Friends:

 

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there!

 

******

 

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

 

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

[vesperala]

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

 

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

 

Al, what do you believe in?

 

Al replies, 'Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die.' God thinks for a second and says 'Okay, I can live with that.

 

Come and sit at my left.'

 

God then addresses Bill Clinton. 'Bill, what do you believe in?'

 

Bill Clinton replies, 'Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain.' God thinks for a second and says 'Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.'

 

God then address Bill Gates. 'Bill Gates, what do you believe?'

 

Bill Gates said, 'I believe you're in my chair.'

[Chancellor]

Out driving...

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, they could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

 

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be confused; I'm sure we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was certain that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

 

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh - Am I driving?"

 

[vesperala]

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

B: Ok

A: A white horse fell in the mud.

 

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

[vesperala]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

"Dear, Dad.

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 

We share a dream of having many more children.

 

 

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

 

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love, your son, Joshua.

 

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you!

 

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[vesperala]

Chuck Norris

 

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

[vesperala]

Smart Dog

 

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".

The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

 

****

Announcement on the office PA system: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows." From the back of the room: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"

 

****

Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.

Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

 

****

Two atoms meet. The first atom says to the second atom

FA: "I think I lost an electron!"

Second Atom: "Are you sure?"

FA: "Yes, I'm positive!"

[vesperala]

God's little secret:

 

 

"God, I have a problem"

 

"What's the problem, Eve?"

 

"I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy,"

 

"And why is that Eve?"

 

"God I'm lonely and bored and I'm sick to death of apples"

 

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution, I shall create a man for you"

 

"Man? What is that God?"

 

"A flawed base creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. He will be witless and revel in childish things. He'll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too smart, so will need your advice to think properly. He will have a very limited emotional capacity and will need to be trained. He will look silly when aroused but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. And you most certainly will never be bored again!"

 

"Sounds great", Says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, God?"

 

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

 

"And what's that God?"

 

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him believe I made him first. And that will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."

 

[vesperala]

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

 

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

 

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

 

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

 

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

 

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

 

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"

 

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

 

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

 

[vesperala]

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure. He had an idea that he could create a blockbuster all about famous classical composers. To this end he called in some of his favourite actors.

 

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger each arrived clutching their own copy of the script. Spielberg was a little nervous; his idea wasn’t what the action heroes were used to. He had even called Schwarzenegger out of political retirement.

 

He asked them what they thought and was surprised that each of them was keen to play the part of historical musicians.

 

"So, who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Willis.

 

"I've always been a big fan of Beethoven," said Bruce. "He is arguable the greatest composer of all time. His work his inspiring and instantly recognisable, I feel he is the one I can do justice to."

 

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

 

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Stallone. “He is the ultimate creative genius, but terribly flawed. I feel that this portrayal will be incredibly satisfying.

 

Spielberg turned to Schwarzenegger.

 

“What about you Arnie, do you feel you can portray one of the composers?”

 

The Governor of California replied

 

 

 

 

 

"I'll be Bach."

 

*********************************

 

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

 

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

 

 

*********************************

[Chancellor]

 

In 1986, Dan Harrison (see the picture above) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

[Chancellor]

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

 

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

 

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

 

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

 

[vesperala]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

 

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

 

 

She says, "That he did, Father."

 

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.'"

[Chancellor]

Time to Start Worrying!!!

 

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

 

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

 

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

 

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her web site.

 

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour this year.

 

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

 

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

 

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

 

9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

 

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

 

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

 

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

 

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

 

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

 

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

 

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

 

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.

 

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

 

19. You get an extra phone line (or an ADSL/cable modem) so you can get phone calls.

 

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

 

22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

 

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 

24. You're reading this.

 

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

[vesperala]

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

 

Bob Edwards

[Chancellor]

Several suggestions for your 'Out-Of-Office' e-mail reply...

 

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

 

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18/4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

 

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.

 

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

 

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

I've run away to join a different circus.

 

I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Georgina' instead of 'George'.